I hate PTSD, Anxiety and Depression

**Retrieved from:** https://www.google.com/amp/s/willingways.org/ptsd/%3famp=1https://www.google.com/amp/s/willingways.org/ptsd/%3famp=1

So, part of this whole “starting over” is accepting the fact that at my age, I have PTSD. anxiety and depression. I hate it. If you seen me in a day where I’m having an episode, you would think I was bipolar. The mood swings themselves are a headache. The sweats then getting cold during and after the anxiety attack, the chest pains from the panic attacks…it’s your own living hell. That’s not to mention the memories that flare up at the worst times. During one of these episodes, it’s hard to distinguish between reality and fiction.

So, let’s back up. Recently, I was diagnosed (rediagnosed) with PTSD and manic depressive disorder between these two, it sets off panic attacks (anxiety attacks). What does PTSD mean? It means that I have post traumatic stress disorder. Trauma that happened in my past (from childhood into adult years and throughout adult years). With PTSD, there are many triggers, or things that cause you to go back in time mentally. It can be a smell, a sound, a tone, a person, a season, the way someone speaks to you…it can literally be anything that brings up the memory of that traumatic experience.

To have a panic attack means that my heart starts racing, I go into what’s called fight or flight mode (I tend to go into flight mode more often that fight), it can mean that my chest starts hurting mimicking a heart attack…it can also mean that I get shaky, restless and can not sit still. Part of all of this also means I have a difficult time focusing on anything outside of what I’m feeling or tend to be very forgetful.

Having these constant battles daily also means I don’t sleep well at night, I find it difficult to trust anyone, especially males (although I recognize that not everyone is the same), and it makes my relationships more challenging, friendships or romantic.

Having Manic depressive disorder means that I have a lot of down days…more often than not. It means I’ve lost a lot of the joy I once had, I feel down on myself more frequently than not, I feel sad more frequently than others. Overall, I tend to have an u realistic expectation of myself which causes me to feel down when I can not achieve goals that I’ve placed for myself or that’s been expected of me from others in my past or present.

Please Don’t Do or Say These Things to a Person Who May Be Having a Panic Attack or Anxiety Attack

I recall recently. When I was at a family member’s house, I swore I smelled something f in the water when I went to draw a bath. I began to freak out yelled for help, but because I wasn’t heard, decided maybe it was just part of my panic attack (part of PTSD is that during triggers, it can cause you to have audial and visual hallucinations and sometimes smells, sadly you don’t recognize them as hallucinations until after the episode is over—these triggers also then tend to cause panic attacks in which you go into fight or flight mode. I began to redraw the bath water and decided maybe a hot bath would help relax me. Unfortunately, during this, I began seeing a dark shadow, or so I thought. I freaked out, hurried with my bath, got out and got out of the bathroom as quickly as I could to call my fiancé and tell him I decided to come home. By this point, I was experiencing uncontrollable shaking (again part of having a panic attack sometimes) and let him know. He had to reassure me that I would be ok, to try to calm down then I would be ok to drive (hour drive home).

Out of respect, I told this family member that I decided to go home. He asked why, if I was ok, etc. and I let him know what was going on. In my head the dark shadow was a demon and unfortunately he said that I may be having them follow me from somewhere else. Needless to say, that statement alone triggered another memory which caused another panic attack. Eventually, I realized that apparently I had zoned out and my eyes were playing tricks on me. I finally calmed down when I got home.

Other instances, I tend to have people to tell me to calm down not realizing that in that moment I can not control how I’m feeling. The first thought going through my head is weather to run or not. I feel trapped and I just want to get away. I tend to perceive it as away from the situation however, even as I’m writing this…I’m recognizing that it’s not just the thoughts but the feelings or emotions I’m having at that time.

I Hate Labels

I hate the diagnosis I was given because to me, it’s giving these problems names and labeling who I am. People tend to see me as having a “mental illness,” however even now I am learning to see these as challenges that I have to overcome. The diagnosis gives the explanation as to what’s going on with me is shorter words than what I’m explaining. I have been learning to observe these challenges in a more positive manner because if I can see these as challenges or an underlying problem, then that means I can overcome or solve it.

In Conclusion

As much as I hate having these, I’ve been focusing on that maybe if I open up and talk about how I’m feeling or experiencing, it may help encourage others to seek the proper help that is needed. Even as I write this, I have been developing a team of people through the medical field to help me overcome these hurdles. Unfortunately, all of this is included with my starting over at 40.